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Four female friends and I went to the Mall of America last Friday to see Diana: A Celebration. After visiting the exhibit, we headed to a popular restaurant for dinner. It was crazy-busy, but we were seated quickly, thanks to our organized friend calling ahead for reservations.
Our waiter came over to get our orders started. He looked to be around 40 or so. He politely introduced himself (we’ll call him “Marcus”), handed out menus, and then, as he was about to walk away, he put his hand on my shoulder.
Now, if he had stopped there, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But he rubbed my shoulder. And then walked away.
I looked around the table to see if my friends had noticed. They had, and were looking at me with eyebrows raised.
“What the heck?” I said.
“That was weird,” they said.
And then a woman at the table two feet behind us leaned over and said, “He’s been doing that to us all night!”
Marcus came back just then to take our drink orders, so we had to stop talking about him. He took our food orders, rubbed my shoulder, and left. He brought some bread, rubbed my shoulder, and left. He brought our drinks, rubbed my—no wait, that time he skipped me and went for my friend instead.
I think Marcus made physical contact with every woman at our table by the time we were done eating.
We discussed Marcus’s behavior. Is he aware of what he’s doing? Does he think he’ll get bigger tips? (He did not.) Should we say something to him? To the manager?
Maybe because it didn’t seem quite bad enough to do anything about or maybe because we’re all mothers and don’t get out much, we decided not to dwell on Marcus’s behavior. I may have started crossing my arms, trying to look forbidding when he came around, but when it came down to it, I guess I didn’t want to make waves. Because other than the rubbing, he was very polite.
And, really, I’m an inveterate arm-toucher myself, although I try to curb it around people I don’t know or those whom I know don’t like to be touched (or hugged). I love it when waitresses or the woman at the Target I go to call me “hon.” I have some close male friends (mostly husbands of girlfriends) who greet me with a small hug now and then.
But other than Tim, the occasional male pedicurist, and the doctors who delivered my placentas by kneading my stomach, no other man has actually rubbed anything on me for nearly 20 years. And I’m just fine with that. Maybe Marcus thought he was being friendly, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he would have been quite so rubby if my six-foot-two husband had been sitting at the table.
So. Has anything like this happened to you, whether you’re a man or a woman? If you had been at the table that night, what would you have done? Do you think I’m making too big a deal of this? Or not big enough? Would you have said something?
quite bizzare for sure, but i guess the fact that he was doing it to everyone might make it not so bad. Maybe just his thing. Some people are more touchy than others, but it is a bit bizzare that in that job it would not have been brought to his attention beforehand. I am not sure what i would have done, either nothing or made some snide sarcastic remark probably!
Although i do love hugging Joan because i know it drives her nuts, it is different in a public/work environment!
I had one of the dad’s at my kids school pick up his son from a play date at my house last summer. He proceeded to tell me that he had “a foot thing” and asked me “how do you take care of your feet?” It was the most awkward moment I’ve had in years! He then proceeded to tell me all about how he noticed that I wasn’t wearing toe nail polish the other day and how “he really liked that” EWWwww! Needless to say, that child has not been over again, and I do not chat with that dad at pick up time. Still not sure exactly what protocol is in that situation… lol!
I do find this creepy. I would think he could feel someone’s shoulders tense up as he rubbed them. But maybe it was a power thing for him.
I wonder where Rubbing Waiter is from and if he lacked attention as a child. Hmmm. Makes me want to go back there and ask a few questions. 🙂
Weird? Yes. Creepy. Yes. Call to action? Reluctantly…Yes. Look, I wouldn’t want to cause unnecessary waves or get anyone who didn’t REALLY didn’t deserve it to lose their jobs–especially in these tough times–but I think we have to stop trying to give everyone a pass. At a minimum, this is inappropriate behavior and was certainly unwelcome. I’m not sure if “Marcus” has been taught about boundaries; however, I don’t think it really matters? Does it feel any less comfortable for folks to do things even if it isn’t intentional? The only thing that’s gonna attempt to fix this is someone speaking up. You can try and call the restaurant and talk to Marcus or simply to his supervisor. When framed in a positive way, this could be a great teaching tool for entire team–at least one would hope that he has a manager willing to work with him. That being said, this may have already come up and he is choosing to ignore prudent advice or direction from his employer. This not only ups the creep factor, but requires immediate intervention.
Not an easy call, but it’s what I would do if I were you. Making those kind of decisions in the moment can be difficult. Now that you’ve had time to look at things, just remember, it’s not too late to say something. Good Luck!
Rosa, that would have creeped me out, too! And you’re right, there aren’t clear protocols for these situations. Maybe, like Joan says, it could be how people behave where he comes from.
Honestly, if Marcus had been creepy in any other area (innuendos, etc.), it would have been a lot easier to act.
Did he seem less harmful because he was serving us? What if we’d been in a bar?
Oh my goodness that is too funny. I seriously had to read it out loud to my husband. How awkward. Totally inappropriate but thankfully he did make any advances.
I wouldn’t have said anything either although I’m pretty sure I’d have been uncomfortable too. Some people are just touchy-feely I guess. I think society tends to read too much into it these days on the whole.
I’m a hugger, but not total strangers!
This really would have upset me, but the reality is that I probably would have been so uncomfortable that I would have just left really fast. That’s what would have happened, but objectively, I would have preferred to discreetly mention it to the waiter. 🙂